Little Miss Attitude

Since Gaby turned the big 5 her attitude has suddenly changed SO much - she's almost acting like a hormonal teenager, which terrifies me.. I didn't think I'd have to deal with this sort of behaviour for another few years.  She just doesn't listen, and when she does listen, will reply with a grunt or a sigh or a roll of the eyes.  I think part of it is that she's tired - but if she goes to sleep any earlier she will be missing dinner... she is in bed at 7pm every night! 

It's funny seeing them growing up, becoming their own persons - and becoming nice and headstrong.  That is what I try to remind myself - she's learning to be her own person, learning to stand up for herself - she's figuring out what she likes and doesn't like... I just wish she would do it in a way that was more... smiley and laughy and non-eye-rolley!

At the same time though, she's also becoming one fantastic little kids - still so sweet with her little sister, so caring... and her personality is definitely shining through, particularly her sense of humor - she definitely has my side of the families sense of humor, which is a good thing (I think).  She thought she was hilarious the other day when she said to her little friend Belle "hey Belle - can I ring your bell?"... I had to laugh, because it was kind of funny...

I'm so proud of her as far as school goes - learning to read and write and spell - doing all the things 'big kids' do.  I wasn't sure I was ready for a 'big kid', but I can tell already that we're entering a fantastic new phase in her life, and I really cannot wait to watch her blossom - intellectually and personally!

Reflections...

October and November have been hard months for me for the past 10 years.  November 2nd 2001 was the date that I said goodbye to my first angel, and then strangely enough two of my three other losses, occurred between October 21 and November 19... so in the space of less than a month I have three angelversaries.  Zhavier's anniversary is October 21st (2007), Jayden's is November 2nd (2001) and then Micah's is November 19th (2005).  Of all the days they could fall on, I still don't really understand how they all managed to fall so closely together.  The anniversary of my fourth and final angel is January 6th (2008) - so still relatively close.

I do consider myself healed from my losses - I still think about my four angels, but usually it is just a quick thought here and there, that  I forget about a few minutes later... but the past few weeks, my babies have all been constantly on my mind - I'm used to feeling this way at this time of year though.  I find it hard not to think, and I guess that is understandable...  It's hard to not think about what life was like then and now.. hard not to remember going through each individual loss...

Certain sights and smells make me think of my losses, silly things.. Going to the food court toilets at  Northlands Mall makes me think of Micah - because that is where I 'completed' my miscarriage... and held him... silently crying..  Zhavier it's the supermarket on Moorhouse Ave - we went into there to buy something, I went to the toilet - and found I was spotting.. that was the beginning of my ectopic pregnancy journey.  Jayden it's Montreal Street.. which is where my loss occurred.. I hate driving down that street.  Addison it's my parents house - having morning sickness, but then also noticing I was spotting..

I try not to dwell - but at this time of the year it's hard.  I know that if those losses hadn't occurred, I wouldn't have my gorgeous girls - but at the same time I know that if my losses hadn't occurred, I would have had the chance to hold THOSE babies in my arms.   I do believe that everything happens for a reason though, and try to think of Emersyn and Gabrielle as 'gifts' from my angels... I think that's my way of focusing on the positives, than on the negatives.

I still have pregnancy tests from two of my losses.. Micah and Zhavier, and I have my medical notes from Jayden, Micah and Zhavier...  I have nothing from my pregnancy with Addison, apart from the sad memories of my now ex boyfriend telling me that I had to choose between him and her, and that he couldn't have a child right then... all the tears I shed because of it, and then ringing him to say "well I don't need to make a decision, I'm miscarrying".. and how sad he sounded.  At least he was supportive about it.. though at the time I thought it was more relieved than supportive, but looking back it WAS supportive..

This is just a funny old time of year.  I miss my babies, I hate that I've experienced losses - but at the same time I am glad I have my two princesses, and feel so blessed to have them in my life.  I like to think that a little part of my angels lives on in both of them....

Final countdown!

In three weeks time, Gaby is starting school!!!  I don't know how this has all come around so fast - but we are now in final preparation stages!  I purchased her school uniform  a couple of weeks ago, she had her final school visit yesterday and we've started our bedtime/morning routine to get her used to the school routine..  All that's left to do now is wait for the BIG day to arrive.

It's amazing how fast she's grown - from that stubborn little fetus who didn't want to arrive, to this big, running, jumping, spelling, mathematically talented almost-5-year-old who won't shut up!  I adore who Gaby has grown into - she's so kind and caring, smart and funny, everything I could have ever wanted a child of mine to be.  I watch her with her baby sister (who isn't such a baby now!), and I know that Emersyn is going to be the same when she gets older - partly because she loves her big sister so much, and has already started copying things that Gaby does.

Her birthday party this year is on October 22nd - which would have been Brodie's 8th birthday, so it's quite nice to be celebrating a birthday on that day.  What's even nicer is the fact that we are going to have a lot of family here to share the day with us!  Terri is coming up with Bronte and Evan, Grandma is coming up with Arthur (step-grandad) and Aunty Deb is coming up as well.  For the first time I've allowed Gaby to invite more than 1 friend as well - so she's chosen 4 of her closest preschool friends, and two of her closest non-preschool friends.. they're all lovely kids, so I'm looking really forward to it!

No doubt there'll be a big blithery post from me when Gaby actually starts school - and plenty of photos!

once again...

we woke up to snow again...  for a city that RARELY has one little snow flurry a year, to get two big dumpings is quite amazing.  This time people don't seem to be quite as excited about it - the atmosphere seems to be more "oh great.. here we go again" than it was last time - when most everyone seemed excited about it, and was out playing in it...  Gaby is more interested in staying inside and keeping warm - but I think at some point we'll get out in it and build another snowman.

Whether you love it or hate it though, you can't deny that it's a beautiful sight.

my first little glimpse this morning

apparently we need to get used to this sight - this polar blast is expected to last through Wednesday... which isn't really a nice thought.. I don't know that we'll get out of the house until the weekend...

Creating cuteness

I have started sewing, and have to say I am - really enjoying it... seems it is a lot more fun when you're sewing because you want to, and not because you're being told to by a certain grumpy sewing teacher at high school.

My latest creation is a fleece soaker for my niece, Bronte - I have to say I am really really happy with my effort, it's definitely the best sewing job that I've done.  I hope Bronny enjoys it :)

fleece soaker - made from the off cuts of a blanket I bought for Gaby, that was 'too big', according to her.  Why waste perfectly good fabric, when you can upcycle it?

since there's no place to go.. let it snow...

As of around 10pm last night, we officially have snow - for once the weather forecast was right.

the snow at midnight

We had some little sleet showers on and off all day, and then I checked outside at one point and there had been a little flurry, I hoped that wasn't all we would get though... Emersyn woke up at midnight, I looked outside and WE HAD SNOW....  It looked beautiful, and even though it was 'dark' outside, it still looked pretty light because of all the glorious snow that had fallen.  I took some photos incase it disappeared before the morning and Gaby missed out on seeing it - and in the end I woke her up and told her to look outside, so at least if it did disappear, she could say she'd seen the snow on the ground

Gaby's first proper time in the snow

I was almost too scared to look outside this morning, incase there wasn't any snow left, but mother nature for once had been kind to Christchurch, and had delivered us more snow.  I am not sure if I was more excited, or if Gaby was - but either way we got wrapped up nice and warm and went outside for our first little excursion in the snow... It's the first time Gaby has been in snow properly, so it was quite an exciting little first - and you couldn't take the grin off of her face.  Admittedly my grin was rather prominent as well.  I grew up in Twizel, where we got snow a few times a winter, and usually a decent fall - but here in Christchurch we are at sea level and it is rare to get snow - even rarer to get snow that settles.  Gaby had conveniently left her gloves in the car, so it gave us an excuse to take a little walk around the section too.  Naturally Gaby picked up the snow with her bare hands, though I told her not to - she soon learnt just how cold snow is. 

Gaby and 'Lily'

Emersyn just so happens to be sick - and I'm hoping it won't get to the extent that we need to see the doctor - because there is no way we could GET to the doctor...  The roads are all pretty treacherous and my car is kind of stuck in it's parking spot.  Because Emersyn is sick, all she wants to do is sleep, so when I put her down for her first nap, Gaby and I headed outside to make a snowman... actually, her name is Lily - and she is a snow woman.  It was the first time I have made a snowman/woman by myself, and I wouldn't say I am any good, but Gaby was pleased with the results, so that's really what matters.. not my lack of skills.

The snow continues to fall, but it is meant to stop at some point this afternoon - which will be good, as much as I love the snow, I don't want it to get to the point that it turns frozen, and takes forever to go away.  But while it's still here, it's something fun for me and Gaby to do, and a bit of a novelty at the same time.

me and my little snow bunny

 

Official start school date!

Today we got Gaby's official 'starting school' date!  As I expected, she's starting on her actual birthday - so come October 26th I will have not only a five year old - but a big school girl!  I remember it seemed to take forever for her to turn one, but each year since then has seemed to go faster and faster and faster... I hope it doesn't go THIS fast with Emersyn! 

I need to get her school uniform sorted soon - and I can't wait, I know it's going to be a big Mummy-cry-day when she does start school, but I also can't wait to see her in her school uniform, with her school bag - all excited and ready to go.... then getting to school, and being welcomed to the class, the thought brings tears to my eyes, but also joy to my heart.  I'm so proud of Gaby - she's such a well rounded, smart, funny, caring... just FABULOUS little girl... and I really couldn't be prouder of her. 

Sisterly love...

Sisters meeting for the first time

Emersyn went to spend the night with her father at midday on Saturday... Sunday morning Gaby went to spend the day with her father - and by the time she got back on Sunday, Emersyn was home and in bed asleep..... This morning when Gaby went in to see Emersyn after she'd woken up, all I heard on the baby monitor was this almighty squeeealllllllll from Emersyn, and Gaby giggling saying "yes Emmy I'm happy to see you - hahaha stop cuddling me"...  It was music to my ears.

Six months into their sisterly love

I love watching their relationship develop, especially now that Emersyn is getting bigger/older and is getting to the point she can interact with Gaby, rather than be a bystander.  If she's tired she cuddles up to Gaby - and usually I get tears in my eyes, because it is such a sweet sight... you can REALLY see the love that they feel for each other.  I KNOW that soon enough there will be fighting and lots of "I hate you" being yelled by both of them, but I hope that in those times, I can think back to THESE times, and relive all these cute moments.

My little lovies having a cuddle in Mummy's bed

I think back to my sister - we had some horrendous fights as kids, but it seemed that as soon as it was out of our system, we were back to plotting against our cousins, or Mum and Dad... or whichever school friend had upset us that day.  I hope that when my girls are our age they have a close relationship like we do.....

There is something so special about the bond between two sisters.  I am just glad my girls will be able to experience it :)

My... how fast they grow

I never actually made a blog post about Emersyn turning 1 - and it happened 3 weeks ago now... Oooops.  On June 13 - true to form, we had two big aftershocks [5.5 and 6.3] - both of them I was in the car, and SEEING the earthquake actually happening really did scare the sh.t out of me, and after the second quake,  I decided that was that - we were heading out of town.

the birthday girl, after her 6am bath

So began our whirlwind - puke filled, ear infected, car sickness-ee 5 day getaway, which I hate to say really took the shine off it being Emersyn's first birthday.  The day we drove to Wanaka Emersyn vomitted in the car, the day before her birthday she woke up with a raging ear infection, the morning OF her birthday she woke up covered in vomit and diarrhoea... so really it wasn't a memorable [in a good way] birthday for her.  That said, I did get to share the birthday girl with her Great Grandma and her Aunty Terri and cousin Bronny - so it did have its highlights.  She started getting better the day before we left to go home, but then on the trip home Gaby was carsick for the very first time.  Did I mention it was all in our NEW car?

Mummy's first cuddle with little Emmy-boo

As lovely as it was seeing all our family down that way it was nice to get home, and strangely I have to admit that I MISSED Christchurch while we were away.  With all the footage on the news about the recent big aftershocks, there wasn't really a chance to 'get away' from the quakes, and all the distance really served to do, was make me feel guilty that I had 'run away', when there were sooooo many people up here cleaning up for the third time.  The streets were full of liquifaction - it really was horrible.  Seeing it on the news just made me feel sad.

Mummy and her not-so-little Emmy-boo at 1yo

The past year has gone by so fast - I think that by the time  I got out of the 'newborn fog', the September earthquake happened, and ever since then the earth has been regularly shaking and our lives have been turned upside down at times.  In a way I feel like I missed a lot of Emersyn's first year - I was so focused on other things a lot of the time, that I don't feel like I took the time to enjoy the small things.  But on the other hand - my thousands of photos of her first year tend to tell a different story.

Me and BOTH of my 'babies'

 

the night time diaper debacle... continues...

The stupid earthquake in February seemed to bring with it my what now feels like NEVER ending issue - finding the right night time diaper, or really the right night time diaper combination...  To begin with we were quite happily using a pocket diaper with two mirofiber booster inserts and an extra insert, or a microfiber booster, but then all diaper hell broke loose, and suddenly our tried and true combo just wouldn't work.

Sooooo I got hold of some bamboo trifold inserts and threw one of those in with our microfiber - very bulky - but it worked... for a start.  After that I began putting in two of the bamboo inserts instead of the microfiber - again it worked... sorta... but not well enough.  Eventually I began fooling around with prefolds and bamboo, and recently flats and bamboo [and covers, of course].  Both of those worked better than the bamboo-in-a-pocket combo, so perhaps I am on the right path?

What I know DOES work, is using fleece covers - I have a Bummis fleece cover that works well enough - but I do find if she gets too wet, it leaks out the sides and up the top.  I have a FunkyBumz fleece soaker which I LOVE - it works better than any other cover I have... and I'm also still using my fleece-blanket-cheapskate-cover - and may I add, still without a leak too.

So I generally know I'm okay if there is fleece on top - but preferably a cover with two layers of fleece [as with the FunkyBumz and my homemade pinnable cover].  I BELIEVE that pad folded flats may be the answers to all my night time issues, I have used them the last two nights in a row, and Emersyn has been dry upon waking.  To this point I have been using them inside pockets - primarily because of the staydry layer the microfleece on the inside of the diaper provides.  Tonight we might try something new though...

It's been suggested to me to use the padfolded flats, inside a cover - because the way a pocket goes when it is stuffed to the max, can sometimes cause leaks, purely because the urine rolls right off the diaper - and that makes sense.  So tonight... I'm giving it a go and trying the flats inside a cover, as always with a bamboo booster for a little extra absorption.  I will put the fleece soaker over top - because I really don't want her to wake up at 4am soaked through.... but maybe... just maybe... with the flats/cover combo, I won't need to worry about a fleece soaker.

I think that one of the reasons I've been having so many problems, is that lately Emersyn has been waking up once or twice a night for a bottle - so she ends up having a lot of urine output, and it makes sense that a diaper can't handle 12-14 hours with all of that output.  It can only be pushed so far before there is no more absorbency left.  The first night I used flats inside a pocket, she slept through completely - ie, no extra liquid intake/urine output, and then last night she had one bottle early in the morning - but luckily she still woke up dry.  Obviously one simple solution would be to change her diaper when she wakes, but for some reason it doesn't occur to me, particularly if she's woken me during a deep period of sleep... it's not unless she keeps me awake for a prolonged period that I think "ohhhh.. change her diaper"... so maybe I need to just try to remember to change her diaper when she's up during the night - but that is so much easier said than done, particularly with the sub-zero mornings we've been having lately.  Not that that's an excuse.

SO.....
What I know works is fleece, flats and bamboo boosters.
What I know annoys Emersyn is the lack of a staydry layer between her skin and the top layer of the diaper
The obvious solution seems to be:  Using flats, with a bamboo insert and some form of staydry layer, and a fleece cover over the top.
Still to work out is whether flats work better for Emersyn when they are used inside flats, or when they are used inside a pul cover with a fleece liner over top of the top flat [for the staydry layer].

I hope like heck that the above little 'equation' is my getting very close to the end of this whole debacle, and finally finding a night time solution that works.  I'd love to find a night time combo that isn't hugely bulky - but right now I'd take one that is horribly bulky and works, over a trimmer option that DOESN'T work...

.... I guess time will soon tell.

we are family.... [an itti bitti family]

My sister has started using Bitti Tutto diapers on my niece, Bronte - and I finally got to have a proper play with them, last week when I had the honour of babysitting Bronny for the first time.  She - of course, was a total dream and if anything my own children were tougher... there was a rocky moment or two when Emersyn and Bronte both decided to reach fever-pitch with their crying, at the same time.

OF COURSE, being the clothaholic - and ittibittiaholic that I am, I couldn't resist putting the girls in their matching coloured Itti Bitti's [I have to confess that I had packed all of Emersyn's Itti Bittis, that I knew Bronte had the same colour of] in order to take their first matching-diaper photo.

It happened to be during the rocky moments I mentioned above - neither girl was in a great mood, but nevertheless here is the photo of the Itti Bitti cousins....

Emersyn in her D'Lish and Bronte in her Tutto

Rockin' her yellow Tutto

and just because I can, here is a photo of Bronte in her beautiful yellow Tutto [of which Emersyn has one in the same colour].  It was lovely to see both girls rocking the minky - but also doing their part for the environment, at such young ages.  Of course neither of them realise the impact they are having - but all the same, I think it's sweet.  I look at these luscious, soft, vibrant, utterly beautiful diapers, and feel so so happy that I made the decision to start using cloth... and that my darling baby sister eventually came to the 'dark but fluffy side' too

once you've had fleece... you'll never go back

the whole point of this blog post, is to rave about the awesomeness that is fleece.  


 
I have posted a lot about my hunt to find the right night time combo - recently I have been using prefolds, which has worked out well, but if Emersyn had a bottle or two overnight [as she tends to do while teething], I have found she tends to wake up a little damp... nothing that would be uncomfortable for her, but frustrating to me all the same.  Kind of like the diaper 'winning' and me losing.  

A friend on JustMommies talked about fleece and using it overnight - and suggested a super easy way that a cover could be made -  basically cutting up and old fleece blanket into a flat [diaper] shape, and then pinning it on over a prefold or fitted.  I looked at my old, ratty fleece blanket - and decided it was worth a go.  I did the cutting and got it all ready, just in time for Emersyn to need a diaper change... I put it on her and expected her to wet through - but when she was still dry and was ready for another nap, I decided to see what would happen if she wore it for her nap...

That nap lasted for two hours [very abnormal] - and I was amazed when she got up and was DRY....   I decided I might as well bite the bullet, and ended up cutting another couple of squares, and when it came time for her to go to bed for the night, put her in another fitted, with the two layers of fleece over top.  I fully expected her to wake in the early hours, very wet - lo and behold, she woke up at 6am - STILL DRY.

SUCCESS OR WHAT.

Every night since, Emersyn has had a fleece cover over top of whatever diaper she has worn to bed, whether it's a fitted, prefold or pocket - and we've not had a single leak... she hasn't even felt damp.  I have the 'flat covers' that I 'made' for her, a Bummis polar wrap, and a Funky Bumz pull up soaker.. I think I prefer the pull up soaker, just because it seems to fit her best around the legs.... but I have absolutely no qualms in using either of my other fleece covers.

I really really wish I had tried fleece beforehand, because it would have saved Emersyn a LOT of damp pyjamas and bedding... but I think a lot of cloth diapering is about trial and error... finding what works, finding what doesn't... finding the products that make life just a little easier... and realising what was really a total waste of money.  I guess that is the way it goes with any baby item though.

I will get some photos of Emersyn in her fleece soon, and post them up in the near future.

pining for pins

I decided earlier this week that I would give flats a go - that was all well and good until I realised that the fabric of my [single] flat is an 'unsnappiable' fabric, therefore I would need to do something I had refused even try.... I would have to use pins....

Thursday the girls and I traipsed around the mall, trying to find what I presumed would be an easy to find item - considering that up until awhile ago, they were the MAIN form of fastening a diaper.  But no.  Neither of the supermarkets had them, the two department stores didn't have them neither did the first baby store I tried.  I was shocked a BABY store wouldn't stock them... Baby and pin seem to go hand in hand for me [of course not literally...], apparently they are now an item that there isn't a lot of demand for.  Interesting.  Fast forward to the last shop on my list - Baby Factory - FINALLY I found the longed for pins.  Hallelujah.
 

my first prefold pinning attempt

I got home and couldn't resist having a go at pinning a nappy for the very first time... I got Emersyn ready, said a quick pre-emptive pin-stabbing  apology took a deep breath and away I went.  It was surprisingly a lot easier than I imagined it would be - I remember watching my Aunts when I was younger, and it seemed like there was a lot of force require to get the pin through the actual fabric, but it seemed quite effortless when I did it..  I did need to re-pin a few times, to get diaper tight enough and even, but I eventually got there.

I have been using only pinned prefolds for basically three days now, and have to say I REALLY love using pins.  I am not sure what it is about pinning, but I think it's to do with the fact you get a snugger fit around the waist, and they seem to bunch a bit less.  Today for the first time I didn't have to re-pin to get the right fit, so I think I am starting to become a little more skilled at pinning... not that that is a huge accomplishment that I expect praise for - but I am proud of myself, because it's a little bit of the 'back to basics' which seems to be something I am fond of right now.

I have even started to enjoy using the prefolds and pins so much, that I have been having vague ideas of selling most of the rest of my stash, and then buying some more refolds and extra covers... but I don't know if I can bring myself to part with my stash, especially with all the effort I've gone to to build it [aka, after all the money I have spent on it].  I think there are some I would definitely keep - but maybe I should go through and get rid of the diapers that I don't LOVE.....

food for thought....

I believe the children are the future.. of cloth!

"Mummy, what's the point in buying ugly nappies you have to throw away, if you can buy pretty nappies you can use heaps?"

This innocent (and utterly adorable) statement made by Gaby yesterday got me thinking about the fact that in reality, those of us who use cloth diapers are raising the next generation of cloth users.  I know from my own parenting choices that a lot of what I do, I do because my parents did with me & my sister... therefore what I do as a parent is going to have an impact on what my girls do as parents, or at least what their thoughts are on various aspects of being a parent.

That thought then got me thinking that by using cloth diapers - Gaby is going to think of cloth diapers as the natural choice for diapering when SHE is at the stage in her life that diapering is a reality for her (please god, make that in at least 20 years!)... and then chances are that'll be the same for a LOT of other children whose parents have used cloth diapers.

We are raising the next generation of cloth users.

But not only is it the children of parents who have used cloth diapers, it's also going to be any children who has had contact with someone who uses cloth - my cousins for instance.  Jasmine (13) & Alice (10) stayed with me for a week this summer, and BOTH were fascinated by my use of cloth diapers - they showed a real interest, and loved helping me stuff them & fold them after they'd been washed... it even got to the point that they argued over who was going to be the one to change Emersyn's diaper.  And before the week was up, both had told me that when they were 'ladies' they were 'so totally' going to use cloth on their babies!

2 more converts to the fluffy world of cloth!

Thinking about all this has got me thinking (I'm doing a lot of thinking right now!) that it is almost our 'repsonsibility' to make young'ens aware of the fabulosity that is cloth diapering, and to make a little impression on them, so that in 10, 15, 20, 30 years time when they are having babies themselves, they think back to how cute the diapers were, how easy they were to use, and how passionate WE were about them, so that they themselves think "hey - I might give cloth a go!".

What if for every 1 of us that uses cloth, 10 kids decide to use cloth when they are having children... in 10, 20, 30 years time there could be 10x as many parents using cloth - heck, cloth diapering could even be something that people don't screw their nose up about, and think people are 'crazy' for doing.

I can't wait to see my girls, using cloth diapers on MY grandchildren (oh god.. grandchildren... scary...)

Forever marked...

Today there is a global telethon fundraising event, to raise money for the Christchurch Earthquake Relief fund, I started watching the coverage on TV at 9am when it began - and quickly realised just how much the quake has effected me, and that I'm forever marked, forever changed by it.  My family and I got off lucky, compared to a lot of people, a lot of families...  But there is still a lot of grief I feel, a lot I don't understand, a lot I can't comprehend.

I am forever changed, my family is forever changed, my neighbourhood is forever changed, my city is forever changed - my country is forever changed... and to be right in the middle of such a life changing event, it really is  impossible to try to describe how it makes you feel.

Watching the coverage this morning, they were showing some new footage of the CBD, and everytime you see new footage, it's like you are witnessing the whole thing for the first time... I see buildings I used to walk past everyday when I was working in the CBD - and they are destroyed, if it wasn't for a bit of signage on the ground next to it, or the colours they're painted - you just wouldn't know what building you were looking at.  Areas that I used to stroll through, shops I used to wander into for an innocent look around - shops and areas I never REALLY paid attention to, that I took for granted, are just GONE...

What is really hard to see, is the businesses that look as though they've been frozen in time (and I guess in essence they have been) - cafe's and restaraunts with tables & umbrella's still outside, businesses with their 'open' signs still showing, businesses advertising a sale that was on at the time of the quake, or a sale which was starting soon after.  It really is like life is frozen in time... someone pushed the 'pause' button.

Possibly the hardest buildings to look at - are the buildings that are no longer there, because you know that there is a huge likelihood people lost their lives in the buildings that once stood.  I find it impossible to not cry when I see the site of the CTV building, I believe 116 people died in that paritcular building - people from our local TV station (CTV), people from an English language school, people from a doctors surgery which moved in there after damage to their original building because of a big aftershock on boxing day.  That doctors surgery is the one that my Dad was a patient of.  It is the one my Dad had had an appointment at, and left 20 minutes before the quake hit.

My Dad is alive & kicking - just as Dad-ish as ever, but I cannot for the life of me, stop wondering what would have happened had he actually been caught in the building on that day.  Would he have gotten out?  Chances are he wouldn't have.  In the same way I think that, I can only imagine that people who did lose loved ones in the quake, spend time wondering what would have happened if their Mother/Father/Sister/Brother/friend had had a later appointment, or an earlier appointment, had an earlier or later lunch break, had plans to meet someone earlier or later.... There are so many what ifs - on both sides of the fence, those who experienced the loss of a loved one, and those who didn't.

Of course damage & devestation weren't limited to the CBD - all over the city there are buildings destroyed, lives destroyed - many such examples are in my own suburb of Avonside.  The name is part of the reason why.  Avon Side.  the Avon is a river that runs through Christchurch - and my suburb is very close to the river, to the point that there are houses along the banks.  Because we are so close to this body of water, our land is softer - and driving through my suburb there are a lot of houses which now have a big lean on.  From my driveway I can see one such house, which is now leaning so far to the right, it is touching the house next door.  In the other direction there are 4 houses which have also been red stickered - and those houses are leaning slightly to the left or right - but also leaning forward, so the front of the houses are sunken into their front yard.  These houses are very close to the river.  Driving further along the river I noticed a group of houses - I would say at least 10, closer to 15 - and ALL of those houses also have their fronts sunken into the ground, again they are right on the river.  There are also a lot of streets you just cannot drive along - they've been closed for 3 months now.

I've decided I'm going to get a tattoo as a bit of a symbol of the earthquake - it made a huge mark on me & my city - so why not actually physically MAKE a mark?  I am the type of person who cannot push influential events to the back of my mind - I have tattoo's for my nephew & my angels, I have a tattoo for my Grandfathers who have passed away - I have a tattoo for Gaby (and will soon have one for Emersyn)... this earthquake has made as much of an impact on my life, though in different ways - so it feels just to me, to get a tattoo.  I believe a lot of people in Christchurch have done the same thing, or plan to.

When thinking about the aftermath of the earthquake, one phrase comes to mind - one phrase that has been the glue that has held our damaged community together, a phrase which as given us the strength to look forward.  KIA KAHA.  Kia Kaha, when translated from Maori to English means 'Be Strong' - which seems very apt when thinking about our situation.  I recently took my first walk through the CBD - as far as I could anyway, and at the cordon I burst into tears, on the corner there used to stand a tattoo parlour - where I had two of my tattoo's done, on the day of the quake the building crumbled, and when running outside, one of the tattoo artists was killed, by falling masonry.  All along that stretch of buildings there is nothing but devestation, however on the fence, someone had used ribbon to spell the words 'Kia Kaha'... it was so moving to see - our words of empowerment, and the backdrop of the devestation

Kia Kaha Christchurch, we will Rise Up

11 months old!

Emersyn is 11 months old today!  I honestly do not know where the past almost-a-year has gone - I know that all parents say that, but I really truly mean it!  I sincerely thought that time with Emersyn would go a bit slower, because it was my second time around & I know what I'm doing - and am not quite so impatient about her hitting all the milestones.

But no....  The first month or so went slowly, but each month since has gone faster and faster and faster - and I have a feeling it'll continue to do so.  I guess I kind of 'lost' two months after the February earthquake, where our routine was thrown totally out the window, it was somewhat like living in limbo, for those two months we spent living with my parents...  Emersyn had just turned 8mo when the quake hit - and we moved home after she'd turned 10mo.

I am amazed at how quickly she is starting to reach milestones now, it felt for a long time that she wasn't meeting any new milestones, and I was actually pretty worried about her.  I guess it started when we'd been at my parents for about 2 weeks, all of a sudden she started commando crawling, she began sitting herself up, she began saying Mama & becoming more vocal.  Just before we left she crawled 'properly' for the first time - though she still preferred commando crawling, and just within the last week has begun crawling 'full time', rather than doing the commando crawl, she's started making a lot of new sounds & saying 'bubba' - which she seemed to know was a word for my 11w/o niece when they were up over the weekend - and she also said 'Gabba' for the first time, which was an obvious form of 'Gaby'....  Just yesterday she started getting on her knees and trying to pull herself up on EVERYTHING, not just the couch & TV cabinet like she's been doing up until now.

My baby is leaving her baby days behind & is gearing up for those amazing 2 years that are toddlerdom... Part of me isn't ready for my baby to become a toddler, but the other part of me is so excited for the firsts & the changes that are ahead for her.  I remember I loved the 1st year with Gaby, but each year after that seemed to be more and more exciting and awe-inspiring, because she changed from a baby/toddler to a 'real' person & really became her own person...

Going green

I've decided I need to make more of an effort to 'go green'.  After the earthquake a lot of our essential services are badly damaged - particularly the sewer system... because of this I've decided to start using a 'menstrual cup' - namely a Femmecup...  I know it isn't recommended to flush tampons down the toilet, but I have to admit that 9/10 that is where mine end up.  Now however I won't have that problem!  I always used to scoff at the idea of a menstrual cup & think they were a 'tree hugging hippy' product, but now I totally see the point of them, and think they're a fabulous idea.  It just so happens that my period is due in the next couple of days, so I'm now gearing up for my first use of the Femmecup.  It's just one more thing I can do for the environment, and for my decidedly fragile city!

I'm also researching other ways I can go green - and I think I might give making my own household cleaner a go - it seems basic enough, and if it is effective (which by all reports it is) - then what do I have to lose?  If anything I'll save myself a few dollars!  In all reality I don't know how much difference *I* will make to the world, with my individual attempt at going green, but I figure that if anything it will be something I can feel good about!

To the principals office we go....

Today I enrolled Gaby in primary (elementary) school - WOW, what a feeling!!!  I don't know if I am sad or REALLY excited about it... My baby is not a baby anymore - I am planning on getting her school uniform & taking her to her 'school readiness' class, purchasing her 'big girl' school bag, getting name tags made up.  Wow.

We met with the principal and he was really nice, made me feel very happy with my decision to send her to that particular school!  As far as 'decile' goes, it is low (meaning most of the children who make up the student population are from low socio-economic areas) - however the class size is small & that was really the most important thing for me when it came to finding a school for her.  Right through primary & intermediate (middle) school I was in a class of 25 at the most, whereas a lot of the classes around here are 30+.. and I really want Gaby to have that more intimate setting, where the teacher has more time to spend working 1 on 1 with the kids.

I have to say, she looked SO in place at the school - like she really belonged there.  The kids were having their morning break while we were there, and Gaby was a lot bigger than some of the new entrants.. very cute!

I'm feeling old now... dealing with the school principal as a PARENT, and not as a student...  Being in a school and rather than dreaming of the day when I'd finally be out of there, I was organising the beginning of my daughters schooling.

I feel like the parent of a child now, and not just the parent of 'two little kids'....

I can't believe my silly little girl is going to be a school girl this year

I really am done. Wow.

I had a tubal ligation when I had Emersyn - mainly due to pregnancy anxiety issues & knowing deep down that I can't put myself (or the girls) through another pregnancy. Although I KNEW it was the right thing to do, I did feel a little that I'd probably regret it on some level, but 9 months down the track I have never felt more confident that I made the right decision for myself & my girls.

When Gaby was Emersyn's age, all I wanted for her was a little sibling - I so badly wanted to be pregnant and to add to my family - I think I had 'baby fever' by the time Gaby was 3 months old.  But this time?  When I try to imagine Emersyn (and Gaby) having a little sister (or brother) - I just can't get the image, and I don't get the little lurch of yearning that I used to prior to Emersyn arriving... thinking of my family, I cannot imagine anything other than my two girls.

Of course another baby would be NICE, but that's all it'd be - NICE... not something I REALLY like, and now when talking to my sister about my (gorgeous!) niece and all the early-days problems they've had, all I can think is "god I never want to go through that again".  I don't know if that makes me sound heartless - I love babies, I love being a Mum, but I think I just know now that *I* am well and truly done.  I am happy & content with it just being the 3 of us - and if it does eventually become a 4 of us (ie I find a man or woman to share my life with), I'm not adverse to the idea of adopting, or fostering - but I also know that I am just as happy with my two little girlies.

It's strange when I think about it, because I have always so so so badly wanted to be pregnant, wanted a big family - so to be able to say "yes, I'm done", "no I don't want more children" - it is just so unexpected... if someone asked me 4 years ago - heck even a year ago, how many children I wanted to have, my answer would have been "4 or 5".... THREE at the least.  But here I am with two beautiful girls & I know that this is how I want it to be for me.

That said.. I do think that if my pregnancy anxiety wasn't such an issue, I wouldn't be done yet - so I guess it goes to show that I'm learning to listen to my gut & to concentrate on what is best for me.  Between my daughers & my niece, there is more than enough love & cuteness in the world!

Such pressure, so young

When did there become such obvious pressure for babies to meet milestones by certain ages?

A member of my playroom on JustMommies posted a list of milestones infants should reach by 10, 11 & 12 months old - a bulk of these seemed very 'agressive' - things that Gaby (who was/is perfectly normal developmentally) wasn't doing until 2-3 months after those ages.  It really wound me up and made me angry - not the member who had posted it, but the fact that it became so glaringly obvious to me in THAT moment, that there is pressure placed on children from the moment they're born.  I am not meaning pressure from parents - but just general pressure from certain areas of society.

THAT sort of list is what makes first time Moms/Dads (or Moms/Dads in general) worry without real reason - and can cause the Mom/Dad to miss out on a whole lot of amazing moments with their baby, because they're so concerned that something is OBVIOUSLY wrong because they're not running marathons at 14 months. Exaggeration? Yes - just like a whole bunch of the milestones on that list.

Whatever happened to just appreciating your child as they are???? Taking pleasure in the small things, feeling all loved up & enjoying your time as a parent? If you're constantly walking around with a check list, you're missing out on a lot of special moments in your childs life... YES, we need to be aware of what to look out for that may indicate our children aren't developing to a 'normal' schedule - but at the same time, we need to be aware of the fact each child develops individually & to their OWN schedule, and even if a child is 'behind' - they're still dang special... THE CHILD - as a whole - should be what the focus is on, not what they can/can't do.

& now I'm going to go and kiss my child who can't build a tower with 3 blocks & doesn't play chase - and appreciate her for being her own cheeky, adorable, sweet, beautiful little self.

"... and those of you without faith"

Five small words that are making me reflect and feel a little defensive today... 'those of you without faith'.  The words were spoken (often) by a bishop who was speaking at the national memorial service today, for the victims of the February 22nd earthquake.  Obviously being a bishop, she was talking a lot about god & religion in relation to the earthquake mainly why it happened & how people are coping with the aftermath.

Being that I am NOT religious, a lot of what she said didn't apply to me, and I didn't agree with, or believe - but I also understand that EVERYONE has different beliefs, and in times of immense stress & trauma people do tend to embrace their personal beliefs (religious or otherwise), so it didn't bother me.... but her frequent referral to 'those of you without faith' REALLY did get to me.

No - I'm not religious, BUT that does NOT mean that I DON'T have faith.  I do have faith - a LOT of it!  I have faith in myself & my family, faith in humanity & the goodness that lies in [most] everyone.  Just because my faith isn't 'from above' doesn't mean that it doesn't exist, nor does it mean that it isn't as strong as someone elses.

I do know that emotions are all a bit heightened now, and that the bishop didn't mean what she said with any malice, BUT it did strike a chord with me, and it is something I've been thinking about ever since.  Perhaps had she said "those of you without RELIGION"?

At the end of the day, as I see it faith isn't something that is exclusive to those who are religious.

Evacuees and refugees are we

The girls & I are officially classed as 'refugees' or 'evacuees' now, due to the fact we are 'temporarily displaced' from our home, because of the earthquake.  The quake hit 11 days ago & my area is still without water, power & sewerage, so we are still camped out with my parents - to be honest I think I'd sooner be here than at home, because I need a little support to get through all this.  It's tough being strong for the girls (mainly Gaby), when I am not really feeling all that strong - I have become really good at faking it, making Gaby think everything is fine and dandy, and this is just a fun little 'sleepover' at Nan & Poppas.  Of course she knows what has happeend, but I don't want her to see me being weak - not that there'd really be anything wrong with that...

I guess I just want my Mummy & Daddy, as much as Gaby wants her Mummy.

Gaby won't let me out of her sight, and she cries when either of my parents leave for work - it's really hard to see... she doesn't know of anyone who died in the quake (well, not at the moment, and I hope that's how it stay), but it's almost like she can sense the enormity of the loss of life, and I guess she is afraid it's going to happen again - to one of us.  It is 'nice' to feel so loved and needed, but it is at the point now that she refuses to go to her fathers, which isn't something I want - as much as he irritates me, I still want Gaby to have a good relationship with him, and to spend time with him when she can.  Perhaps if she won't go tomorrow, I'll suggest he comes here and takes her to the park for a couple of hours or something... I don't know...

Introducing the beautiful Bronte Ameka McWhirter

As I said in my initial post-quake blog post, my niece has finally arrived - and she is a little beauty!  I love saying her name, because I think it's so beautiful - Bronte is a name I'd have loved to use for either girl, but I knew neither of their fathers would have gone for it... so I'm very happy my sister got the chance to use the name.  I cannot wait to meet her, but I have no idea when that will happen - I don't want to crowd my sister by taking my whole gang to stay with her, especially with Emersyn still not being a great night sleeper... I guess it'll happen soon enough!

Devestation hits Christchurch. It's bad this time.

I am really emotionally drained, and pretty much traumatised..  I had just arrived at my parents when the quake hit - I had put Emmy on the floor, went to smell Mum's flowers she got for her birthday & then the house started shaking, I raced to Emmy - falling over on the way & knew all I could do was just dive on top of her... stuff was falling down all around me and I was just closing my eyes hoping we were out of the path of anything.  After it was over I started hyperventilating & managed to drive to my Mum's work (2 mins away) to see she was okay, then found a route to get to Gaby's preschool - on the way got a text from my Dad... I knew we were all alive so felt al ittle better then.

We are at my parents - my house is okay, but the general area is an utter mess - i'm in Avonside, if you see that on the news at all.  The main road my street comes off is f*cked, and so is the intersection just around from me (AGAIN!!)... I have been too emotionally not with it to take many photos, but am uploading some now on FB.

When Dad got home he told us he had left the CTV building 20 MINUTES BEFORE THE QUAKE - in which it collapsed.... I think we're all having trouble processing that, and what could have been - had his appointment been  15 minutes later.  It's just.... I tear up whenever I think about it.  My Dad isn't handling it well - he's such a strong man, but you can see how troubled he is.  He just got a phone call to say his doctor is missing.

My family are all alive though, our houses are standing.. I do know of one woman who has lost someone... and am dreading them releasing the full list eventually.

Yesterday we got power - and it was the first time we actually saw images of the utter devestation in the CBD & it was HARD to see.. it made it so much more real, but at the same time I was 'glad' I could see it, because it has helped me process it.  We were so unlucky this time.  Where the first quake hit at the best time possible (4am.. ish), this one hit at the very worst possible time... midday on a weekday.   when Mum told me on Tuesday people had died I bawled... People don't die in earthquakes here... bad things don't happen here - this sort of thing happens in America, or Europe.....

They showed footage this morning of the building that I used to work in - the Theatre Royal, a beautiful late 1800s, early 1900s building with marble stair cases and chandaleirs, intricate work everywhere... and now it's destroyed.  It looks like the top storey has come down, but the bottom is still standing - the admin level is on the 2nd storey, and the place I used to sit & work is below it all.  I don't know if people I know died in there.

We did get a good snippet of news - my niece ~Bronte Ameka~ was born on 24/02 @ 00.00 - the stroke of midnight on her EDD.. we still haven't had a proper photo, so are itching for one to arrive via email!

As I said though, we're all alive & our houses are standing.  that's what matters.

145 are confirmed dead so far & 200 missing - the news isn't going to get any better.....

But we're alive...